All That I've Got
by TigerTiger02
Summary: just a little oneshot focusing on Sam during a sleepless night in which he watchs The Used music video for 'All That I've Got' brief Dean moment. featuring a very sleep deprived Sam with rambling thoughts that only a crack addict or a used fan would get


Title: All That I've Got

Author: TigerTiger02

Timeline: Anytime after 'Bloody Mary'

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Dedication: To Nikki, Tarryn, and Kathleen, thank you for the venom

* * *

Sam sighed loudly, it was yet another sleepless night for him. In the bed next to him Dean grunted, mumbled something about the price of tomatos at Cost-Mart, and rolled over. Sam wondered how he could sleep when Jess's, and their mother's, murderer was still out there. He sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. God he was so tired, but everytime he closed his eyes a familiar, or sometimes new, nightmare began. 

His head made a dull thunk as it hit the headboard. He winced in pain and sneaked another look at Dean. He was still asleep. Sam turned on the TV and flipped through the channels, before finally stopping at MTV. He frowned at the TV.

On screen a boy was walking through a bookstore. The camera zoomed in to reveal a sign that read: _"The Used: Bookstore"_. The boy climbed on top of a pile of books and pulled a large book into his lap. On the cover of the book was a bloody looking heart that was bound. Sam almost started to change the channel when he realized that this might be interesting after all. He leaned back and waited for the lyrics to start.

_So deep that I didn't even bleed and caught me  
Off guard, red handed  
Now I'm far from lonely  
Asleep I still see you lying next to me  
So deep that I didn't even bleed catch me I…_

He started slightly when he realized he could relate to the lyrics. Although he had known that Jess would die, her death still caught him off guard. He thought that if he ignored the dreams then nothing would happen to her. And now here he was, alone, and everytime he closed his eyes he could still see her smiling from her position on the bed.

_I need something else  
Would someone please just give me  
Hit me, knock me out  
And let me go back to sleep  
I can laugh  
All I want inside I still am empty  
So deep that I didn't even bleed catch me I..._

God he knew exactly how this guy felt. For once he wished that he had been more of a partier in college. He wished that he could drink until he passed out. He wished that he could just roll up a sleeve and jam a needle into his arm, or that he could bend over a mirror and snort coke, or maybe just pop a few pills and roll a joint. He wished he could just lose himself. But fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, his training hadn't allowed him to partake in regular teenager activities. Although Dean had regularly.

_I'll be just fine  
Pretending I'm not  
I'm far from lonely  
And it's all that I've got_

_I'll be just fine  
Pretending I'm not  
I'm far from lonely  
And it's all that I've got_

The irony of the statement forced a chuckle out of him. He wasn't fine, and he wasn't pretending. Although when he truly thought of it he should be fine, he had witnessed her death a thousand times in his dreams but… well he wasn't like Dean or his father. He couldn't shut off the emotions. He couldn't move on, not yet.

_I guess, I remember every glance you shot me  
Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat  
I squeezed so hard  
I stopped your heart from beating  
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I…_

Oh he definitely remembered ever single glance Jess had given him. He could remember her curious glance of appreciation when he had walzted into class the first day. He could remember the glance she had thrown at him that said, **'God you are so oblivious'**. He remembered the glance she had given him on their first date, and on all the others that followed. And the glance when he woke up in the morning to find her still curled as close as she could get without melting into him.

_I'll be just fine  
Pretending I'm not  
I'm far from lonely  
And it's all that I've got_

_I'll be just fine  
Pretending I'm not  
I'm far from lonely  
And it's all that I've got_

_And it's all that I've got  
Yeah, it's all that I've got  
It's all that I've got  
It's all that I've got!_

Even as he registered the lyrics his mind was still turning over sweet and bitter memories. God he wished he had told her. He wished that he had told her to be careful, to stay with friends and make sure she was never alone. Maybe then she would still be alive. She was dead and it was all his fault.

_So deep that I didn't even bleed catch me  
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me_

In the back of his mind a little voice that sounded suspiciously like Jess was chastising him for thinking that it was all his fault. Telling him that he couldn't have known when it would happen. It told him that it wasn't his fault and he called it a liar. He shook the voice off.

_I'll be just fine  
Pretending I'm not  
I'm far from lonely  
and it's all that I've got_

That Jess-like voice in his head was persistant, and it even took on a Dean-like quality. Sam tried in vain not to lose himself to sleep as he began to drift. His mind was turning over the good memories now, and the Jess/Dean voice was now lulling him to sleep. The voice of the decidely not-that-androgynous-despite-the-make-up singer turned to a purr. Without knowing it Sam fell asleep.

_I'll be just fine  
Pretending I'm not  
I'm far from lonely  
And it's all that I've got_

Dean opened one eye and looked at Sam before sitting up fully. He stared at the screen of the TV. He couldn't help but grin happily. The ruffie he had slipped Sam had taken long enough to kick in. It was probably all the coffee the kid drank. His eyes drifted to the screen and the lyrics began to make sense to his sleep deprived mind. His gaze slipped back to Sam and he nodded slowly. All that they had now was each other and Hunting. The last two lines rang in his ears as he fell into the place between awake and dreaming.

_And it's all that I've got  
Yeah, it's all that I've got_

_

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A/N: yeah I know, I know. All of you are ready to murder me. I haven't had that much time to write since our computer came back from the dead. Yeah I know, it's a pain when the computer crashes, but you will all be happy to hear that I'm finally going to get internet service and a floppy disk drive in my upstairs computer, and therefore it will crash a lot less then this one! And I'll be able to write in my room and not have to share with my sister or brother. I am so doing the **Dance of Joy** now, anyone who had seen _Angel_ will know what I'm talking about. I swear, pain on death, that I will try to have the next chapter of Striken out within this next week. Or by Thanksgiving... cough. Well everyone should celebrate the 21st because this is a TT02 Holiday, it will be three years since I nearly died. Yeah I'm morbid. Anyway... I hope you guys enjoyed this. This potentially will become a series of shorts using the Used and MCR songs. Depends on the response I get... okay I'm shutting up now!

P.S. I know I said I was done but I was wondering if anyone would like to be my beta... oh hell I'm not even quite that sure what a beta is, I'm assuming a co-author. It has to be someone who can help with Detour in the Roadway as well as Stricken.


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